When Sibling Playdates Stir Up Big Emotions
My oldest son has the biggest heart. He’s helpful, protective, and typically the one I can count on to set a good example. But lately, when his younger brother has a friend over, a friend he's known since preschool, I see a side of him that doesn’t feel like him. He gets upset, angry, sometimes even defiant. He lashes out, acts mean, and suddenly I’m caught in the middle of what feels like a power struggle between brothers.
The truth is, it’s not about the friend. It’s about the feeling of being left out.
This particular friend is my youngest son's first friend. Their bond was formed before my oldest was ever expected to join in. So when the three of them are together, my oldest suddenly finds himself third-wheeling in his own home. And that hurts. He doesn’t know how to say, “I feel left out,” so instead it comes out as, “I’m mad,” or “I want to control the situation.” Sometimes it even comes out as, “I’ll push everyone away before they leave me out.”
And isn’t that how big emotions often work in kids? Their actions scream the words they don’t yet know how to say.
So how do I support him through this?
I remind myself that he’s not a bully. He’s just a boy feeling something big. I give him a safe space to talk afterward. I say things like:
“Did it feel hard not being the one your brother’s friend wanted to play with?”
“You’re allowed to feel frustrated. That doesn’t make you a bad kid.”
“Let’s figure out how we can make next time feel better for you too.”
Sometimes I set up one-on-one time for him with a friend of his own, so he feels special too. Other times, I coach him on how to join the game or suggest we all play something inclusive. I also talk to my youngest about kindness, sharing friends, and including others—because he’s learning too.
The goal isn’t to stop the playdates. This friend is a good one, and we love his family. The goal is to help all my boys feel seen, supported, and emotionally safe.
Because big feelings will come up. But it’s what we do with them and how we guide our kids through them, that builds lifelong emotional strength.
